You don’t have to ask permission

Hello and welcome back to this series on Building Confidence.

A mindset trap that a lot of people fall into is waiting for permission before making a decision. Of course, that doesn’t come across particularly confident, and people who lack confidence are usually waiting for permission from either the universe, their parents, their friends, their partner, their market, or their customers. There’s a general attitude and approach to life of waiting for somebody to give them permission.

Now, I know what this is like because I used to be like it all the time, and I didn’t know that I was being like that. I realized when I was reading a book, and some of you will have heard this story before, the book was on Gestalt by Fritz Perls. It was one of those times when a sentence just jumps out at you and it’s like it’s been written just for you. The sentence was this, “You did not come into this world to meet up to anyone’s expectations, and you do not have to justify yourself to anyone.” So, I read it, and I read it again, and it was an absolute aha moment, when I realized that I spent my whole life explaining myself to people, just in case they might think this, or they might feel the other. I was constantly trying to make things right, and I realized I was an absolute people pleaser. So, I would justify if I was going to do anything or go anywhere, or I was trying to decide on something, I would justify why I was doing it.

And of course, a lot of that came from a very, very insecure childhood. It left me always needing somebody’s approval for any of my decisions. And actually, that realization that I didn’t come into the world, (and neither did you), to meet up to anyone’s expectations, and that I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, was absolutely life-changing for me because I decided I’m going to stop doing that. I’m going to stop explaining myself to my husband, to my birth mother, who visited me occasionally. I mean, I was a grown-up woman, and I was going around like a little girl always trying to make things okay with everybody. And I’ll tell you what, it didn’t get me anywhere.

One of the things that I learned to change on my road to building confidence was to stop explaining myself, stop justifying myself.

You don’t need to ask permission. You’re a grown-up. I notice it with some women who come to my Western Women Mean Business group here in Plymouth, I can tell by how they are and what they say, they’ve really enjoyed themselves. They want to join the group, but they say, “Oh well, yeah, I’d love to join, but I need to talk to my husband first.” Now, sometimes I get it. If you’re going to make an expenditure out of the family budget, that maybe you need to discuss it. But, as opposed to going and asking permission, they could say, “I’ve decided I’m joining this group, and I’ll be going there every month, and this is how much is going out of the bank account.”

You know, there are ways of going about things as opposed to tentatively asking for permission. So, the main message, in this little tidbit, is you do not have to ask permission. You’re a big girl now, and it’s okay for you to make decisions and for you to make your mind up about what you want to do, where you’re going, and providing you’re not being really disrespectful with people, you don’t have to ask permission. So, I’ll catch you in the next video. Bye for now.

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